Despite all we do, sometimes we just end up with lemons. If you've had enough of your PC and are ready to dropkick the thing into next week, don't smash it, return it for a refund (unless you're independently wealthy and losing the refund is worth the satisfaction you get from smashing the bastard into flinders -- in that case, can I come watch?). You have more rights than the PC companies want you to know about. All consumer goods, including PCs, are covered by federal statues; most states have additional protective laws in place, and a variety of product-specific "lemon laws" cover certain items such as boats, autos, wheelchairs, etc.

The Express Warranty. Every PC on the market comes with an express warranty delineating exactly how long the thing is covered, whom to contact with problems or questions, and, usually, how to get it fixed and by who. Read over this little piece of literature -- it's boring and legalistic, but you absolutely need to know what your manufacturer covers and for how long. By the way, it's a very good idea to give PCs with standard three-year warranties a little edge in your shopping decisions.

The Implied Warranty. Under the Uniform Commercial Code, all consumer goods carry an implied warranty that states that if the product -- in this case, the PC -- still malfunctions after "a reasonable number" of repairs, then the consumer is entitled to either a refund or a replacement. Usually, the implied warranty is limited to the length of the express warranty. Sometimes the implied warranty is discussed in the express warranty, and sometimes not, but the protection exists regardless of what your warranty card says.

The Extended Warranty. The accepted wisdom on extended warranties as offered by the vendor (be it Circuit City or Dell) is to turn 'em down. After all, salespeople oversell them to the nervous customer (and why not? a large chunk of the money you pay for extended warranties goes right into the salesman's pocket, and another chunk of it goes straight into the vendor's profit column), and they're usually "too good to be true." All true enough. But even Consumer Reports is changing its mind about extended warranties, at least a little. "For certain kinds of products, it makes sense," says CR's managing editor, "if it's expensive to buy, might be trouble-prone, and could be expensive to fix. In other words, a laptop." For desktop PCs like the majority of us use, before you buy an extended warranty, do the math. You'll pay 10-15% of the cost of the machine for the warranty. The most expensive repair you're likely to face is replacing the motherboard, which can run up to $450 for the replacement cost alone, and don't forget pricey labor costs. But most machines don't require such expensive repairs. Upshot: paying for an extended warranty will cost you more than you're likely to spend if you don't face a major problem, but if you have a disastrous malfunction, the extended warranty could save you bucks. And there are other kinds of extended warranties besides retail store offerings. Credit card companies often offer an extra year's warranty on big-ticket purchases, particularly if you use a premium card such as Visa Gold or AmEx Optima. Check your card documentation, or call 'em up. Sometimes credit card providers even offer their own extended warranties for a fee. You can even shop for a warranty online -- try www.warrantynow.com/ to get bids from multiple warranty providers. (Remember to pay close attention to what the warranties they offer do and don't cover.) Go online to the vendors' Web sites for warranty info; don't rely solely on what the sales staff tells you.

What To Do. Here's a list of the steps you should take when your PC decides to pack it in.

• First, call the vendor's customer service or technical support lines. Be calm, and be patient; you will more than likely get transferred around. Your objective here is to get your problem headed towards resolution. Anger, sarcasm, profanity: none of these are helpful. When you do get someone on the line who can help you, take notes on everything that is said, starting with the person's name and position. Date and time your notes. When you get switched to another "helpful" rep, do the same with them. If you're not sure about the advice they're giving you, don't hesitate to ask them for clarification, especially if they're giving you directions on how to fix it yourself.

• Give the vendor at least two or three tries to get your problem resolved. Even well-meaning customer reps misplace notes or accidentally delete e-mail, so be prepared to give them the benefit of the doubt. But, if they've had their three strikes and they're giving you nothing, kick it up a notch. Ask for the customer service or tech support supervisor. Or, ask what the company's procedures are for escalating a complaint, and follow them. When you talk to the higher-ups, be calm, but firm. Make sure they understand that you've given the company ample opportunity to resolve your problem, and you now require action.

• Sometimes you need to go even higher up the ladder. If you're at this point in the process, vault over the minions and write -- don't call or e-mail -- the president or CEO of the company. Find out his/her name and send it directly to that person, via registered mail or via a courier such as FedEx that requires a signature for delivery. The president probably won't cancel his golf outing to handle your problem, but a staff member should handle it. When you write this letter, continue to avoid the angry, harsh, or sarcastic remarks. State clearly the nature of the problem, the specific steps you've taken to remedy the problem, the people you've spoken to and their advice, and, most importantly, what you want done to resolve it. Do you want a repair performed? A refund? A new machine? If it's a repair, do you require it perfomed by the company, or will you be satisfied if they send the part to you for you to install yourself? Tell then exactly what you want done. Most complaints that go to this level are just angry consumers venting; make sure your complaint doesn't get placed in this category.

• Again, be reasonable. Asking for "just compensation" doesn't mean they owe you a better machine than the one you already have, or that they ought to send you a bigger hard drive or more memory to compensate you for your time and aggravation. It is highly unlikely that any company will offer you a better machine than the one sitting in a pile of smoking rubble on your desk. And they sure won't write you a check to compensate you for the time you've spent hassling with them. If, for example, you ask for a refund and they offer a replacement, I'd advise you to take the PC and run -- if you refuse the offer, you may have to squeeze the refund out of them in small-claims court.

• They still won't settle your problem? Now it's time to roll out the heavy artillery. If you bought the computer via credit card, and you haven't had the system that long, alert the credit card company. Let them know the situation and tell them you're considering disputing the billing. That gets a letter sent to the vendor from the credit card company, providing the vendor a financial incentive for settling up, and puts the credit card company in the position of mediator. Now is also the time to start reporting the errant PC company to consumer watchdog organizations such as the Better Business Bureau (www.bbb.org/). The BBB wants to know if you've tried to resolve the situation yourself -- they won't get involved unless you've tried and failed to deal with it on your own. If they see a real problem, they may attempt to mediate a settlement. WebGuardian (www.webguardian.com/) is another good place to file a complaint on an ISP or an online vendor. You can also file a complaint with Planet Feedback (www.planetfeedback.com/), who will forward your letter to the company. Complaints.com (www.complaints.com/) also would like to add your tale of woe to their archives.

• If they're still refusing to deal with your problem, consider taking them to court. Check your warranty -- many manufacturers add a clause which has the consumer waive their right to court adjucation in favor of arbitration as provided for by the manufacturer. If that's the case, you can't go to court. If court is an option, visit the sites at www.nolo.com/ and www.consumerlawpage.com/ before hunting up an attorney. Consider if it's worth your time, effort, and costs to pursue the matter. Consider if you can collect on a judgment if the judge rules in your favor -- Fly-By-Night Harry isn't likely to pay up no matter what the judge says. But if it's worth it to you to sue the bastards, then sue away. If you win the case and the company still won't pay, file forms with the court to have a marshal serve it with papers. They owe you.

• By this point, you probably don't want anything to do with this company ever again. Tell them so, in writing; just be civilized about it. There are consumer Web sites out there that catalog consumer horror stories (including several listed above and on my Consumer Sites) links page. Look into them and consider posting your story on their pages (just avoid libeling the company in the process). Remember, every company wants your business, and wants your repeat business. Make sure they know they've lost you as a customer.

Whatever happens, remember that you're entitled to a decent purchase. Fight for your right to compute.